How To Do Deep Self Investigation

“That which is before you is it, in its fullness, utterly complete. There is naught beside.  Even if you go through all the stages of a Bodhisattva’s progress toward Buddhahood, one by one; when at last, in a single flash, you attain to full realization, you will only be realizing the Buddha-nature which has been with you all the time; and by all the foregoing stages you will have added to it nothing at all.”

~ Huang Po

Preparation for Deep Self Investigation

What Question Brings You Here? 

Why are you here, now, reading this? Isn’t it because you want to answer a critical question, one that very few people will consider in their entire lifetime? Do you know what that question is?

This question arises to the surface—to the forefront of their lives—in only a few, and drives a search for an answer. Are you one of the rare and fortunate ones who are unable to deny this need to know?

What is the question that brings you to where you are now? The vast majority of people accept a belief about who they are without questioning it. Why question what seems obvious? Aren’t we just people moving about in the world through various situations? This is what the world tells us is true. The belief in the existence of individual people is built upon an extensive structure of assumptions that are simply not true. Most likely you are reading this because you do question it. You are suspicious of what the world tells you that you are. You want to know—you need to know—Who or what am I really?

The Great Adventure

You are embarking on what could be the most important journey of your life—to find out who and what you truly are. It’s not by chance that the ultimate goal of most of the great philosophical, psychological, and spiritual traditions, in their various ways, is to know your self.

In the endeavor to explore and investigate your self, it doesn’t matter what your background is or even the depth or lack of spiritual experiences. What is most important is the strength of your desire to know the truth and your persistence in seeking the answer. This can carry you through the many distractions, wrong turns, and doubts that will occur along the way.

Language 

It can be challenging to use words when describing atypical perspectives of reality and non-ordinary states, like those resulting from the investigation of our sense of self. I wish the English language were better at describing the truth about what we are. However, it is not—it is misleading, biased, and “I”-centric. Throughout this book, you will regularly see the words “I” and “self.” Yet the core recognition discovered in the self-investigative process is that there is no actual separate self. While this may seem like a contradiction, that is the trade-off for keeping an easy flow to this material and gradually taking the reader through deeper levels of the sense of a separate “I.” Periodically, I will try to balance that by using precise, impersonal language that better reflects the actual nature of things. In the meantime, it’s best not to take this I-centered language too seriously. 

I’m writing this book about waking up and the post-awake experience in plain, straightforward, “Western” language. Nearly everything I include here is carefully distilled from my direct experience. I serve as my own final authority in refining the DSI method, and I think you should be the final authority in your investigations. In keeping with that approach, I avoid describing second-hand information collected along the way, except where absolutely necessary. This includes not quoting other teachers, teachings or scriptures. I also use very little spiritual, philosophical, or technical terminology as I prefer to state things simply. The point is for you to have the best chance of understanding DSI techniques and perspectives. 

What Is “Reality"?

It is worth considering the question of reality to begin loosening our beliefs about life and ourselves. If we watch TV, read magazines or the newspaper, or use electronic devices to check in on “the world out there,” we are presented with images, information—and most significantly—a story or narrative by the “experts” about what the bigger reality is beyond our direct experience. We are repeatedly told that there is a “world out there,” a vast and complex reality that we are just a tiny part of but that has many consequences for us. We are told we must become familiar with it and respond in a particular manner. We are told who we are, and how the world works. But are these authorities actually informed and knowledgeable about what the world is? Does their suggested “reality” actually exist? I propose it does not. It is a fictional construct accepted as real, but not something that anyone can really experience. No one has ever actually experienced this huge, intricate world directly. We only experience our immediate environment through our perception. 

We are conditioned to accept these stories about reality and what the world is like from others who say they know: the “authorities.” Their view is accepted as truth. The world view of these authorities was only pieced together from a story of their own limited experiences, combined with the stories of others, who pieced together stories from others, and so on.

If we realize that this complex and often threatening world is never actually experienced by anyone, we can begin to see beyond these stories. We understand life as presented and directly experienced, in each moment in the here and now. Direct knowledge of reality as your present experience is always simple and available.

What Is a Person? 

What are you? What does it mean to be a “person"? It is typically assumed that you are what this world says you are: a physical, emotional, thinking entity—a singular and separate form—yet interacting with the world around you. Conventionally, the physical body is often held to be the basis of your existence, with thought, emotion, and consciousness arising as by-products of the brain function and the nervous system. This model of our existence is generally accepted as the truth. 

Therefore, the typical person’s idea of their life goes something like this: “I am a separate body-minded individual moving through life among other individuals. I am involved with the world but contained and restricted to this separate person, ‘me.’ I can have relationships with others, do many things physically, and think about and feel varied emotions about this world. I can have many pleasant experiences and I am also vulnerable and can be hurt by many people and things, emotionally and physically. In time, I may achieve a certain degree of success if I’m lucky, work hard, and follow the rules. Sometimes I won’t get what I want. As I get older, I will try to preserve myself and my life as much as possible, but ultimately this will fail as time and old age inevitably take their toll. Life as a person will be increasingly about loss—the loss of physical and mental abilities, friends and family, connection with what I enjoy in the world, and loss of how much society values me. At the end of my physical life, I will lose everything when I die.”  What would happen if we realized that this story is simply a series of assumptions based on a completely false model of reality?

The fact that you are considering this approach suggests that you question these conventional beliefs about being a person. Maybe you’re not what you thought you were. You are not the self-contained person that almost everyone suggests you are, but rather something much different, and better! 

Researchers in some of the more deep-reaching areas of psychology and neuroscience don’t believe that we actually exist as a separate self. They deduce that the “self” is a mental representation of an entity. This self-image is merely constructed—within the mind—as a central reference in relation to experience. Yet, despite the researchers’ relatively accurate conceptual understanding of the false nature of the “self,” this understanding does not appear to carry over to their personal experience. It does not lead to questioning what this false sense of identity means regarding their knowledge of themselves. This incongruity seems to reflect the difference between having only a conceptual understanding of the false-self’s insubstantiality, and having real understanding based on the direct perception of “no-self.” When the direct perception of “no-self” is recognized, the immense implications of this truth will begin to fracture and dissolve the beliefs, stories, and behaviors built on the illusion of “you.”

Thoughts and Beliefs

What actually is this sense you have of your “self”? Let’s look at the key building blocks of this imagined self: thoughts and beliefs. What is a thought? A thought is a mental construct, sometimes a representation of something perceived in the world, sometimes pure imagination. Thoughts are “things,” just like a reflection in a mirror is a thing. However, a thought is not the thing that it represents. Like a photo, a restaurant menu, or an audio recording, thoughts can be useful but should never be confused with the thing they “re-present” in the mind.

A belief is a mental formation based mostly on memories. It is a thought or series of related thoughts, images, or stories that we have confidence in and take to be factual. Beliefs about ourselves generally represent what we accept as true about us, or who we are. These beliefs are typically invisible, because they seem to be what we are rather than a possible perspective about what we are.

Beliefs can be well-founded or they can have very weak supporting evidence. Generally speaking, the beliefs that most people hold are based on little or no direct evidence or verified information. So, most beliefs are misleading and confusing. The process of Deep Self Investigation uses the first stage of knowing—perception—to verify what we think about who we are. This direct perception can challenge and change beliefs to more accurately reflect the truth. 

The I-Cluster and the I-Belief 

What is this experience of being a self, a person, of being “you”? We’ve already discussed how the conventional, unexamined assumption is that you are a singular, body-minded being. But on a closer look, the experience of “you” is revealed to be a cluster of independent elements. This “I-cluster” is actually a moment-to-moment, varying combination of appearance (including the body), emotions, thoughts and “me”-centered stories, and the constant presence of awareness. None of these elements alone is a “person” (an individual entity) nor do they comprise one when combined. It is interpretive thought that creates the sense of these elements being a person, that convincingly states they are evidence of the personal “me.” This interpretive thought will be referred to as the I-belief.

During self-investigation, the I-belief is almost always missed because of its subtle nature. It tends to arise and pass away rapidly in the background of the I-cluster, “behind the scenes” so to speak, continually reinforcing the sense of identity. 

The I-belief interprets the constantly changing I-cluster as a singular person, a continuous “self” over time. No matter how the combinations appear, the I-belief presents this false conclusion. A key element of the cluster that gives weight to the I-belief is the continuous presence of awareness. This constant, unchanging presence lends an air of credibility to the sense of you as a consistent entity over time.

A serious investigation of the I-cluster reveals that no I-belief is true. You can discover this through your uncorrupted—or relatively objective—direct experience. That is, you use your natural ability to perceive what exists, before belief obscures experience. This heavy reliance on perceptual, rather than conceptual, evidence is the basis of DSI, Deep Self Investigation. 

When working with DSI, a close investigation of the I-sense reveals that none of these elements that comprise the cluster are actually directly connected to the others. They certainly do not make up a person, an actual solid “you.” The elements of the cluster are actually only associated with each other. And further, each of them exists independently in its own “dimensional space.” The body dimension is separate from the emotional dimension and thought dimension. For example, thoughts don’t appear where emotions appear. It’s something like this: imagine going on a trip to the beach. When you arrive, you are aware of being “at the beach.” It seems like one thing, but the water, air and sand hold their independent positions as objects. Water doesn’t occur where the air occurs, and sand stays under your feet. They preserve their own aspect of the experience; they are not interchangeable. Water does not appear as air or sand, etc. The idea of “the beach” is simply selected and interpreted aspects in experience being considered as one thing, but it’s actually a variety of things. 

On the other hand, awareness touches all dimensions at once, so it exists across dimensional lines and seems to allow for a sort of cross-influence. For instance, an emotion can appear to trigger a thought and vice versa. Thought can then interpret what occurs in the body or mind as all a part of “you.”

Let’s do a brief self-investigation exercise now and explore the appearance of “you." Relying only on your simple perception of how “you” appear at this moment, are you more of a body and sensations, a thought, or mostly a feeling? Is the experience of your body strong or simply imbedded in a story you are thinking about yourself? Notice how your sense of yourself changes over time, and each of these elements become more or less dominant in turn.

The world around us reflects back this conventional I-sense through many sources, such as relationships, language, and social media, as if through a series of distorted mirrors. The belief in being a separate, singular person is continuously reinforced, and almost universally accepted as true. Given all that reinforcement, it’s not surprising that this assumption may persist for a lifetime without ever really being questioned. It’s really quite remarkable that anyone begins to question the nature of who they are in the first place, but some do, and that questioning might bring them to a book like this.

At The Center Of Experience 

It’s very important to realize that at the center of “your personal experience," there is only a sense of you, not an actual you. So at the very center of you is no you.

A Few Words About “The Ego”

I don’t use the term “ego.” Yet it’s essential to address this word because it is embedded in many areas of our culture, including spiritual teachings about self-inquiry. But in reality, there is no such thing. It’s a mythical entity. The conventional view is that the ego is both what you believe you essentially are, and an imaginary adversary you must struggle against to be free of conditioning. We get the idea that the ego is this separate entity with a will of its own, often working against you in some way to undermine your decisions and actions. 

I can’t prove it, but the idea of an ego appears to be a combination of ancient biblical demonic influences combined with early Freudian psychological theory on the structure of the “psyche.” It worked its way into mainstream psychology, everyday language, and eventually into Western spiritual writings and conversation. Students and teachers often talk about it carelessly, regarding struggles with spiritual practice. A student might say something like, “I try to do my spiritual practice, but my ego won’t let me!” or, “I’ve got to get beyond my ego to make progress.” Some teachers will admonish, “That is your ego talking.” It can be a mistake to introduce the idea so casually, as it just posits an illusory separate entity—often working against you—that you now have to contend with. To my knowledge, no one has actually ever found an “ego,” so why imagine one?

Beyond Psychology

DSI takes us far beyond the traditional parameters of modern psychology, which is geared toward understanding the functioning of mental and emotional structures, the impact of past experiences on present experience, and the potential improvement of one's personal life. In my experience, the psychological work I did helped free up attention from issues of mental/emotional conditioning but left intact (and even contributed to) beliefs about the false identity. DSI, on the other hand, gradually dismantles the imagined sense of self, while informing the mind about the truth of experience and this present, living awareness. I wish someone would have shared this approach with me many years ago when I was first exploring the use of self-inquiry. Instead, I distilled DSI from various teachings and teachers, and long periods of trial and error. It is the method I used to see the truth about my actual identity. 

My guess is that someone seriously engaged in DSI would come to see through the false self in a fraction of the time it took me, perhaps in just a few years. That’s several years of serious work, daily explorations, and questioning in many life scenarios. That seems like a long time, until you consider that awakening is often discussed in literature and spiritual circles as an achievement that may take one, or multiple, lifetimes. In that context, what are a few years? 

The point of Deep Self Investigation is to help you discover that you are not what you believe yourself to be—this separate, vulnerable entity moving through life. The serious practice of DSI should reveal to you that this sense of you really amounts to nothing at all like a “person.” You will also discover that what you actually are is this present experience of awareness. This true identity is here as what you are, right now, and at all times. Take a look at yourself now. What is it that feels like the most “you” of you? What is the basis of your experience? Don’t think about it, just look! Awareness is present in your experience, always and continuously, as the most prominent aspect of your experience of yourself. It just isn’t perfectly clear yet due to the clutter of many years of conditioned beliefs about “you.”

The Mind and Thinking Are Not a Problem

“The mind,” which you could say is a combination of awareness and mental processes, doesn’t need to be seen as a problem. There is nothing wrong with thoughts, beliefs, or even conditioning, for that matter. These are clearly naturally occurring mechanisms in nature, and this system is highly advanced in humans compared to other animals. Most of us are not taught how to make good use of the mind. Left to run on automatic, it can be manipulated by cultural influences. You don’t need to look far into a family, educational or religious socialization—or on a larger scale, government, corporate, or mainstream media propaganda machine—to see how the mind is manipulated to form certain views of who you are and what reality is. 

However, it’s more relevant to our self-investigation to consider how, in spiritual circles, many tend to talk about thinking and the mind as if it’s a problem—something to be stopped, suppressed, or muted. In reality, during the process of waking up, awareness naturally interacts with the mind. Trying to control the mind or the thinking process to “wake up” can be a huge waste of time, and even counter-productive. 

In other words, not only is the mind useful for characters to operate in the world, it is a necessary “lens” for conducting deep self-investigation and understanding the truth about you and reality. In my experience, thoughts subside by themselves as attention and awareness focus more on direct experience. Thus, the illusory nature of the self and many second-hand beliefs and conditioned thoughts are dismantled naturally, while new, more accurate thoughts are formed to pave the way.

Spiraling Deeper: The Process of DSI 

The process of Deep Self Investigation—exploring and understanding what you are not, then seeing what is left of the separate I-sense—is like a deepening spiral through layers of assumption and beliefs about what you are. Seeing through the appearance of being a “person” involves moving attention deeper and deeper, becoming familiar with the various features of the terrain of “you.” Attention illuminates the varied versions of the I-sense that appear, reveals the insubstantiality of it, and then moves on to the next version. At times, you’ll come to a new level where it seems like you see and experience the truth just as it is. The areas where you find elements of the I-sense may seem to be “cleared.” It may appear that there is no I-sense present, yet at the same time this does not feel as complete as an absolutely selfless experience. Beliefs about yourself will be older and subtler at this deeper level, or even seem invisible. However, in time, with close scrutiny, these subtle forms of the I-sense will become more visible and available for investigation. After you reach a clearer understanding at this level, then it’s time to go even deeper. 

Serious self investigation is a process of discovering the truth about you. Ultimately, It leads to the end of what you take yourself to be. And more, it leads to the end of the “you” who thinks of yourself as you. “No self” means just that; it is clear that nothing of a separate “you” exists. The dissolution of the belief in a “you” actually brings clarity and freedom. In this new condition, attention is freed to move outside customary channels of experience and discover what awaits in reality’s vast complexity.

What Is Really Going On?

The bottom line is that there is not an actual separate self, and never has been. If this is true, then what is going on here? Well, something is. This experience is happening; it’s just different from what we think. There is a body and thinking going on. The “mind” seems to be comprised of ongoing thought processes, much like a computer processes data. Much of this processing is occupied with stories about a fictitious “you.” The body is simply an occurrence in nature, like any other living physical thing, with the same innate, “intelligent” engineering. Like the rest of the physical universe, neither the body nor mind needs a separate “you” to exist. We will explore this new perspective about what you are, and what you are not, as we journey through this book. 

What Is “Awakening”?

The definition of awakening, as used here, is an undeniable, permanent shift in what you identify as—what you know yourself to be. It is a shift from believing yourself to be a separate person to perceiving that what you are is always this present, living awareness. Many people think that a permanent awakening is a profound, transcendent, exciting event, but this is a mistake. In the momentary recognition of “no-self” and realizing present awareness as one’s being, there is a clear, sobering perception that you are actually not here. This brief parting of the clouds of I-belief is usually followed by a rush of emotions—excitement, bliss, the thrill of discovery—and many thoughts about what is happening and what it means. 

For most of us, these secondary experiences are mistaken as the awakening itself. This can lead to attempts—sometimes for many years—to recreate that experience with the same physical and emotional elements, believing that is the awakening. This often creates confusion because if these exciting features are not present, it is easy to dismiss the moment when the selfless being is clearly recognized as selfless awareness. Therefore, it is best to simply enjoy the accompanying insights and emotions that come with glimpses of the truth of you, but do not confuse them with the awakening revelation itself. 

Using the metaphor of dreaming and waking helps to get a sense of what is taking place in awakening. Before doing any self investigation, you are in something like a dream state. You cannot see reality, due to the dream condition that occupies your attention and the habit of interpreting experience in a self-oriented way. You generally feel enclosed by the rules and fabric of this dream state. There can be a sense of feeling trapped and severely limited in your options. For mysterious reasons, you may find yourself questioning who and what you are. The desire to break out can become very intense and accelerate as you have glimpses of the awake state, the vision of a very different, expanded sense of your being. When you awaken, the dream remains, but you have a new perspective of reality. You are no longer asleep in the dream; yet you can move freely within the dreamscape and interact with dream characters. You fully realize this, and you see the difference. You realize the actuality of life that is always here and always the case, even while you were in the dream. 

This Present Awareness Is Perfect Awareness

It is essential to realize that there is only one perfect awareness—enlightened consciousness—and it is this awareness that you experience now! I first came upon this perspective through studies of Dzogchen teachings. To look for some kind of grand “enlightened consciousness” beyond your present awareness is simply counter-productive. That’s just going down an investigative rabbit hole. For years, confused and misguided by many of the teachings and teachers I came in contact with, I held onto the idea that I would awaken to a new “enlightened awareness.” Because I overlooked my present experience, I dismissed what was right in front of me. Because I had this fantasy of “reaching enlightenment,” I rejected the simple, marvelous awareness right here in the present. Finally, I realized that this ordinary awareness is perfect awareness. There is no enlightened awareness beyond this one.

The DSI Method

Here I discuss important background information—principles and distinctions of Deep Self Investigation (DSI)—before giving the actual instructions. Once you’ve worked with DSI for a while, you may want to revisit parts of this section.

Not Self Improvement

It’s important to understand that the process of deeply investigating the sense of self is not about self-improvement. It’s about waking up to the truth of what you are beyond all personality traits and I-sense appearances. If what you really want is to improve yourself and be a better “you,” that’s fine, but just recognize it and enjoy that process. There are many teachings and methods available to help with self-improvement. But please don’t confuse them with the process of waking up. In awakening, self-improvement becomes irrelevant and unnecessary. It becomes increasingly clear there is no such thing as a self to improve. “Your” life will change through involvement with DSI, but not in any way that supports the sense of being a separate person. 

Human Maturity

It appears that a fairly high level of what might be considered “human maturity” is necessary for working effectively with DSI. It’s best if you are reasonably competent at managing your life situations: holding a job or having the necessary income to live comfortably and pay your bills, engaging in healthy relationships, managing your material needs, behaving honestly and with integrity, and so on. It’s also beneficial to work through any problematic or life-dominating psycho-emotional issues before coming to this type of work. If you have significant issues with anger, trust, sexual desire, or need to control your environment and others, etc., you may achieve some degree of awakening. Still, the conditioning will reassert itself and create serious issues. 

If you can’t manage these areas of life, you may be so preoccupied with problems that you’ll lack the necessary attention to do a rigorous self-investigation. Try not to fool yourself into believing you can manage serious life challenges and a serious DSI practice at the same time. In my experience working with others, I’ve noted that this is extremely difficult, with a high likelihood of failure. 

On the other hand, there are no perfect beings, no matter what the spiritual scriptures suggest. After awakening, some human imperfection will persist, so there is no need to try to achieve some kind of personal perfection (as if this could ever happen) before undertaking DSI. 

What Is the Practice of Deep Self Investigation?

DSI is a process of questioning all assumptions about YOU. Signs of these assumptions or beliefs will generally show up—not in the form of words or images, but rather as a sense of personal, separate presence felt as in or around the body.

By observing yourself repeatedly and at length, these behaviors and thoughts about you can be recognized. Then, the root beliefs (assumptions) about “you” can be uncovered and questioned. At this point, you can begin to question what these words “I, me, mine” actually represent.

The process of DSI gradually reveals what you actually are—awareness—by seeing through the surprisingly fragile and insubstantial sense of being a separate self. It works best if you practice each day, applying it to as many areas of your life as possible. While scheduled periods of exploration may be helpful, you will get the most out of DSI by using it spontaneously in as many typical life situations as possible. This will trigger the many assumptions, feelings, and frameworks you have about your self. The effect of doing this regularly will be to recognize direct reality, and to cause a gradual deconstruction of belief, identification, and attachment to the sense of being a separate self. This will, in turn, allow a greater and greater direct view of your “being” as living awareness.

Discrimination Between Perception And Assumptions

Reality is only what you have a direct experience of in this moment. That is, what you perceive firsthand. The future and the past are not real; they are simply thoughts happening now about remembered or imagined events. I propose that, as you gather information about the sense of self and what you truly are, you engage in exploring this present experience only.

Most of us learn to interpret experience by indiscriminately mixing assumptions (based on secondhand information) with direct perception. Generally, secondhand information is anything relayed to you over the years, by your family or community institutions such as schools and religious centers. This could also be any information that you’ve read or seen (like videos) from any media source—such as the government, or corporate or entertainment industries. We are so accustomed to using second-hand information as fact that we don’t even realize we are doing so. Therefore, we’ve lost the ability to differentiate between what we perceive and what we assume. To discover what you truly are, it is critical to discriminate between these sources of information, and to shift reliance on present experiential perception over beliefs based on unverified, secondhand information. 

In working with Deep Self Investigation, develop your ability to discriminate and utilize just what you can know directly in your present experience, just what you “see” or sense or notice and can verify in the here and now. What does the evidence of this present experience reveal to you? This approach will inform a whole new set of ideas that will serve you well as you discover the truth about what you truly are.

Exploring Spaciousness

DSI is not a mental exercise; it’s an experiential investigation of who and what you are. Initially DSI involves questions and answers directed at exploring what, if anything, the sense of being a separate “I” is. Is it me, what I actually am, or is it something else? This is the process of exploring the false beliefs about being a separate person.

On occasion, while practicing DSI, questions about the I-sense may come to a natural stop when they distract from easeful noticing. This is perfectly natural, so there is no need at this point to force questions. It’s enough to simply allow attention to do its work without thought, dissolving the sense of I.

As the understanding of our true nature deepens, the clarity of direct experience will continue to deliver information to the mind and allow for the formation of new beliefs that more accurately reflect reality. For example, as you look for a separate “you” in certain sensations, thoughts, or feelings—but don’t find a “you”—some previous certainties about “what you are” may change, or even drop away entirely. Then, new beliefs will fill the vacancy left in thinking structures and processes by the many abandoned beliefs and world views.

Dissolution of Identification

Identification generally progresses through three stages of dissolution. The awakening process can be seen as a progression toward less and less identification with what arises as or about “me.” Using identification with the body as an example, the three levels of identification would be: 

I am this body.

I have a body.

There is a body.

As investigation progresses into the I-sense belief being identical to the body, the body is gradually seen to be more like something you have or possess. With further investigation, it becomes clear that there simply is a body and there is no direct connection from it to what you are. No “you” inhabiting or behind or in possession of it. And further, the body’s obvious presence does not prove the existence of an inhabitant or owner of it. It appears independently in awareness. In the end, there is a body, but what I am is not identical to it nor something that could possess it. Being as awareness without the sense of “I,” the body simply is. And the same goes for anything believed to be a personal element of or appearance of “you.”

Exploring the I-Sense

DSI involves questioning any evidence in the body and mind that there is a separate you, what I call the I-sense. Often, what you find in response to the questioning will be a combination of belief, sensation, spatial location, or some other physical or mental feature. This cluster of items appears to be “you," a separate entity. Yet no one has ever found an actual “I” behind or connected to the thought or label of “I.” DSI exploration is not just about sending one probe, noticing something, and then stopping. It’s more like asking a question, noticing the answer, asking another related question, looking at the issue from a slightly different angle, noticing the new information, asking another question or the same one if it seems necessary, going deeper, and so on. We repeat the practice over and over as we change investigative position, depth, and angles. 

This may seem like it could get tedious and exhausting. However, I found it fascinating to explore the complexity of life and discover the truth about how I and the world actually exist. Although I took breaks along the way, I always knew there was nothing else I wanted to do more than discover the truth about what I am. So I was inevitably drawn back to self-investigation. 

Two Points of Investigation

There are two areas to explore in DSI. One is investigating what you think you are (the false self); the other is investigating what you actually are (present awareness). During the process, you will move back and forth between these two focal points of investigation, although initially most of the time will involve questioning the false sense of self. The more beliefs that you realize to be false, the easier it is to recognize the primacy of present awareness.

What Does the Word “I” Refer To? 

Knowing intellectually that the sense of separate “I-ness” is only a belief, or set of beliefs, will not serve to dissolve it or even convince us that it's illusory. The truth of this needs to be seen directly in our present experience. We do this by investigating these beliefs and how they tie in to other appearances in the body and mind. This notion of “I” is what we reference almost constantly in the body or mind that feels personal: the “me-ness” or “I-ness.” When you say, “I think…” “I feel...” “I have…” “I saw …” or “this happened to me,” typically there is a personal sense of being the doer or receiver, the one behind spoken words and physical actions. This feeling of a personal self, which underlies these terms, is the actual target of DSI. 

Attention and Awareness 

Attention appears to be an extension of awareness, a form of directed or focused awareness. Sometimes attention seems guided by conditioning around thoughts or feelings. At other times, it seems guided by some forces inherent to awareness, or attention itself, a sort of internal guidance system. In spite of how it appears, the idea that you control attention is gradually seen as false, as the I-sense is revealed for what it is. That is, not a controlling entity, but simply a cluster of objects appearing in awareness. 

What attention falls on in each moment will stand out, with an enhanced and empowered presence and significance. This is why certain ideas—which are always fabrications in the mind—can seem quite real, important, and substantial. The more important and true they seem is a function of how reinforced they are through extended contact with attention. 

No matter how it may seem, attention is not “yours” or controlled by “you.” It is an independent force with its own volition, which can be “coaxed” in a direction but not actually controlled. We can see this in experience, as we think we want attention to stay somewhere, but are rarely able to keep it there for long.  Attention is like an animal with its own intentions. I’ve also noticed that the play of influences changes over time. Early on, we can be predominantly influenced by conditioning: habits, the thought/feeling dynamic, and a desire to “pay attention” to certain things we believe are essential.   

As we develop spiritually and become less “self”-absorbed, beliefs change and conditioning decreases. The power and influence of attention reveal what is actually happening, resulting in more accurate beliefs. DSI works with this, using potent questions to coax attention in a certain direction, but then releasing the question to allow attention to automatically do its work illuminating and informing. This results in new, more accurate beliefs about the way things actually are, which eventually causes changes in how the character interacts with attention. Ultimately, what attention really wants is to go home, to return to awareness.

My current experience is that I know that I am awareness (as I know you are). As awareness, I move or flow, there is an acceptance of what comes in life, and awareness is seen to contain and animate the character, rather than you as the character having awareness. You might imagine attention and awareness as like a dolphin you have come in contact with while swimming in the ocean. You might begin to play with it, coaxing it to let you ride on it, swim with it, play with a beach ball, etc. Over time, you develop such deep respect for the animal that it seems very inappropriate to try to “train” it to serve your whims. Soon you want to simply hang out with it, follow it, let it affect you, develop a relationship of some kind, learn from it, and participate in a “dance” together. At some point, you find you have bonded with the dolphin so much that you forget about yourself and only know the dolphin. 

What Is “Awareness"?

Awareness is not a thing. It cannot be located as an object; it seems to be everywhere and nowhere. And this is important: this present awareness is ultimate awareness. It is sometimes referred to as the ground of being, consciousness, Buddha-nature, or the true Self. There is no other awareness somewhere else!

Investigating present awareness involves asking questions like, Do I exist? Check this out: how do you know you exist? Isn’t it obvious one way or another? What would it be like to not exist? It’s easy to see, of course, that you exist. It’s undeniable that “you are.” Now, what is it like to exist as awareness? This can take you directly into investigating yourself as awareness. 

In terms of your experience of existence, or “being,” awareness/attention is far and away the most significant aspect of what you are. Your separate self-related images, emotions, and sensations are not even remotely as significantly “you” as your sense of being alive, present and conscious. Noticing now, ask yourself, What is the dominant feature of my experience? Body image, sensations, emotions, your story—or something else? 

While awareness is elusive and cannot be objectified—you can’t grab it and say, “This is it!”—it also can’t be denied. It is the sense of being present, alive, conscious, and existing. If you say, “I do not exist,” or “I am not conscious,” these statements are immediately contradicted by the self-evidence of being conscious and existing. Logically, you know that if you were not aware, you wouldn't be able read this now, or even know that you are here. Awareness is like the wind. You know the wind exists by its obvious presence—how it affects you and things around you, like the trees, birds, clouds, and rippling water. You feel it flowing over the skin and ruffling your hair. However, you can’t see the wind itself or capture it and show it to someone. Awareness is much like this.

Ultimately, you’ll find awareness and attention can be trusted. There is much more to awareness than this inherently invisible quality. It is quite mysterious and wonderful—It has elements of intuitive knowing, inherent intelligence, and forces and fields of energy. For now, it is enough to begin to reflect on what it is and how it relates to you.

The Body 

We generally learn to believe that we are contained in our bodies. At the most identified, “I” stops at the skin; what I am is identical to the body’s cells or tissues. Or I may feel that I am located somewhere in the body as if it is a container, with the rest of the world outside of me. We think that it is a subject-object world, and that “I” am the subject, which ends at the body. There can also be the belief of being a soul or spirit residing in the body. In reality, as consciousness or awareness, we are not located in a body at all. This is true for all people. As you get more and more familiar with the awake condition and continue to explore the body, mind, and all of experience, the attachment to the belief in the body as a container diminishes. Eventually it becomes clear that there’s no evidence to support it. 

As awareness, I don’t occupy the body as a container, nor exist as the body’s cells or tissue. “What I am” notices what the body does, and what arises as sensation or feeling in the body, but everything is seen as objects in awareness. Mind content, imagining, thinking, etc., are also just observed, and there is clear seeing that what I am is never existing “as” these mental creations. Even the frequently imagined self, an owner or creator of these objects, is seen as just another thought. There are no longer any beliefs that tie body, thought, feeling, or sensation to an imagined “I.”

Awareness is the most “you” of you. It is the basis of your sense of alive existence and presence. As in my case, you are not the character. You are not the “you” that your beliefs suggest you are. What you are is awareness.

How to Practice DSI    

While there are some variations in the experience of deep self investigation, the approach and overall experience is common to all. The insights that occur are based on direct experience or bare perception of reality rather than deep thought or analysis. It starts with noticing how you seem to be present as a person. You will be experimenting with questioning what "you" actually are. Exploring your sense of self to discover what is true. It’s a practice that will become refined through trial and error, so be patient while investigating.

Who Am I?

If you are a beginner—one who has never worked with self-investigion before—start by asking yourself some simple questions about who you are, and doing your best to answer these questions based on what is simply perceived to be the case. This can be the roles you play in life, what you look like, anything that you believe is about you or is you. Initially, Deep Self Investigation might involve asking a question like, Who am I? As you think of answers such as, a man, a woman, a mother, an artist, a smart person, a friendly person, etc., question whether these descriptions are what you actually exist as? Do they describe a role you play, something you do, or an ability you have? Your goal is to see what you are behind any role, to see what is behind the “me” that possesses any ability. What exactly are “you” in all that? For example, you might ask, Who am I? and answer, I am a father. You can now question, What is it to be a father?